(2003 to 2005)

Petersham V Newport

Thu Jul 1 15:00:00 UTC+1000 2004


I simply had to post this here!

This is various correspondance that our club presidents have received from an adversarial club. Although I only have a tenuous claim to being†one of the Shammies (given my appalling attendance, and failure†thus far to pay my membership fees†:*) I hope we smash these bastards this w/e!

As you can see, we take this very seriously indeed. Newport will suffer.

Go Shammies!

Yours in Rugby,



Just in case anyone was in any doubt as to the calibre of the imbeciles we will be playing this weekend, please peruse the following which was emailed to TJ, Thommo and myself just this morning:

-----Original Message-----
Sent: Thursday, 1 July 2004 11:13 AM
Subject: RE: Petersham V Newport

Dearest Petersham Administrators,

As a post script to my most recent email, I have recently purchased a house in your area as the cost of real estate in Newport prohibits me from buying up there. I was wondering whether there is a position at your Rugby Club for a fat slow winger that can neither catch, pass, or kick. I realise you have many people that fall into this category, hence my application and inquiry as to whether you may be able to accommodate another. I can only assure you of thing in my Rugby skills, they are non existent. Whilst I am only up to playing fifth grade at Newport I am only to willing to play first grade for your esteemed club.

Gay (rugby slut of no worth) Lister

-----Original Message-----
Sent: Thursday, 1 July 2004 10:58 AM
To: ''; ''; ''
Subject: Petersham V Newport

My Dearest Petersham administrators,

You may recall last year that there was a certain amount of bad feeling between the two clubs after our encounter at your home ground. Subsequently to that an email was sent by a committee member to you that was in no way sanctioned by our club. I attach copy for the purpose of recollection.

(Dear Petersham Rugby Club,

It was with interest that I read the match report you had published in the rugby weekly round up. I was a member of the victorious Newport First Grade side on the weekend and I must say that I thought that the report was a little harsh on us Northern Beaches residents.

You seemed to think that we played the game in a manner contrary to the spirit of the game. I would like to take this opportunity to qualify our intentions. We intended to go out there and win, but not at all costs. I was accused of a late shoulder charge early in the first half. Whilst the hit was a little late (if I had pulled out and he dummied then I would of looked very foolish) it was as you pointed out a shoulder charge. Can I please explain!!! The gentlemen in question looked to me to be a very handy player and I thought that if I did not end his afternoon early then he would stand me up when I had repositioned myself from second row to my rightful position as roaming winger. There was nothing personnel, it was purely football. To my embarrassment the hit was soft and homosexual in execution and resulted in my team mates laughing at me. I apologise to my team for being a poof and the hit not resulting in either a red card for myself or an ambulance for someone else.

You made reference to my very dear friend and ex lover "number 19" as being a boofhead. You have totally misread "Number 19". He is more of a Cunt than Boofhead, Fuckwit would also adequately describe his demeanour, but never Boofhead.

Onto the much more serious charge of not turning up to HQ not even one of us. We were told that all after match speeches, boat races and rub and tug sortie's had been cancelled due to the test match. There was absolutely nothing on at HQ. If we have been mislead and as such let you down, I unreservedly apologies for the misunderstanding. As such, by way of amends I will be having twenty schooners in HQ on Friday night from about 1930 until close. I would like as many Shammies down there to put shit on me as you feel necessary. I will be the one in the stylish Newport training singlet, drinking too much and talking about when I too was a sensational footy player. I will present my dissertation, entitled "Why I should be the Wallabies Coach".

In conclusion, stop being a bunch of soft cock wankers, pull your socks up and give Beecfort the rogering they so firmly deserve. Further more, can I take this opportunity to state my undying love for Hodgy. I think your club coaching co-coordinator is one sexy human being and that night of passion three years ago will live in my memory as the best night of my life whilst this body of mine still draws breath.

Lastly, can we all agree on at least one thing. The ref was shit, even when I gave him some cheek he was incapable of raising a smile.

Respectfully yours

Gay (I love Hodgy but settle for sex with Jim Smith) Lister)

We have since punished this certain individual and you can not expect such clap trap nonsense again this year. This person was elected Club President against his will and is now being worked to the bone in order to maintain harmony between the two clubs. Personally I believe that a great deal of the animosity was due to the sexual leanings of your club coaching co-ordinator at the time. By way of inference the fact that he was a latent homosexual so to all of your club, or certainly that was how it was perceived up here in Heaven (Newport).

We as a club intend to stuff you in the Rugby, drink all your beer and have HQ bar issue orders that Newport never be allowed within a bullís roar of the joint again.

Please do not whinge and carry on about the nature in which we play the game, and certainly do not publish another of those rambling, idiotic editorials as we shall then be forced to retaliate with another slanderous self righteous email, taking the wicked piss out off you.

Yours Sincerely
Gay (let the games begin) Lister
Newport Rugby Club El Presidante.

Copyright © 2003-2005 John Elliot