OK, I have a load of work todo today, and over the next few days.
So, I'm not going to speak to *anyone*.
However, I need to get a few things off my chest first.
I can't actually figure out why I do anything. I think very hard about philosophical stuff, social stuff, ethical stuff, because not understanding it bothers me.
It's the engineer in me that refines everything to first principles.
I am almost certainly convinced of certain things, such as determinism, no meaning in language, etc.
From those first principles nothing makes any sense. Even writing this post doesn't make any sense.
I can see absolutely no point in anything, and even when I try to accept some version of the construed, artificial, construct we call 'life' I get really upset about stuff like human cruelty, waste, etc.
I don't know what is 'good' and what is 'bad' or why. I want to understand these things properly, but I can't.
People joke about how 'useless' philosophy is, and they're right. But then you ask “so, what is useful?” and you're back to fucking philosophy again. Maybe you end up concluding that *nothing* is useful?
I reckon even a simple philosophy like “I think; therefore I am” is flawed. You can barely even assert 'you' without creating an artificial framework; and 'think' seems very much bound to a deterministic physical reality if you ask me. It's kind of arrogant and clearly wrong to consider yourself as somehow defined outside of the physical reality 'you' observe yourself 'thinking' in.
So, technically I can't even *think*. Not in any sense of the word that I thought I understood.
But in order to 'live' (whatever that is) I need to put all of these things out of my head and just 'get on with it'.
So, “I don't think”, “I am not” and now, without further ado I'm going to pretend that I don't realise that, and program.
Why? Because to do anything else would not be useful.
What is useful? I don't fucking know!
...but I'm doing it anyway.
Clearly, doublethink is *necessary* in 'life'.