(2003 to 2005)

Cocks flop out

Fri Jan 14 20:51:00 UTC+1100 2005


All this talk of penises showing reminds me of a story. Did I ever tell you about the time when I was packing into the scrum and my, er, package, kind of, well, fell out of my shorts..?

See, I was the hooker, which basically makes me the guy in the middle of the front row. So when we have a scrum I stand there and my props grab me and help to support my weight (so that I can use my feet to either go for the ball, or the oppositions tight-head, etc.)

The thing about being hooker is that those props need to bind pretty tight, as it can get pretty heavy up the front there. There are two good ways to do this. One is to grab the hooker's jersey and wrap your fist in it. The other is to grab the hooker's shorts and wrap your fist in it. Usually the props arrive together, then each of them takes hold and when they are both bound they squeeze.

Thus a wise hooker learns pretty quickly that it is prudent to wear swimmers over the top of your undies (or just swimmers). My Dad gave me that tip on the first day I ever played rugby, and I wore swimmers all the time.

However, on this fateful day I didn't wear them. I'd accidentally left them at home.

Anyway, one of my props bound a little early, and a little aggressively. Now, when you're the hooker, you stand with your legs sort of spread apart a little in front of you, and lean back into your second row. Given this particular 'stance', if your shorts were to fail in their role as 'testicle retainers' you'd find yourself with your legs spread, balls dangling toward the ground in full view of about five scowling dudes who have every intention of slamming their full weight into you in a few moments time.

It's an interesting situation to find yourself in.

I didn't panic, in fact, as soon as I felt the cool air on my balls and realised what had happened I looked straight up at the faces in the opposing scrum with my most intimidating "I'm going to show you a world of pain" look in my eyes. My logic was simple. They'd be forced to stare back at my face, and highly unlikely to divert their eyes to my nether regions where my sack was swinging, in full view.

Seconds past. Felt like an eternity.

Don't get me wrong. This was no minor teste popper. This was serious. Mick (my prop) had pulled my shorts and undies so far sideways that my *arse* was showing. I mean, I was *naked* down there!

It was a 5m scrum, our feed. We were on our sideline. I felt as though every single supporter on that lines face had dropped as their eyes transfixed on my balls. (although, in the end there are no reports of anyone having noticed.)

The ref starts to call the scrum.

Ref: Crouch!

Me: Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck. What am I going to do!? Just pack it man. Just pack it. It's fine. Just get it out of the way. Don't worry about it.

Ref: Touch!

Me: No fucking way! My balls are flapping around down there! I'm not going to pack a scrum like that. No way! You're nuts. Abort! Abort!

Ref: Pause........

Me: Oh shit. It's too late! It's too late! No, it's not too late. Don't do it. Get out. GET OUT NOW!!

Ref: Enga.. Whoa! Whoa! That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen!

Luckily, the ref was referring to the fact that the hooker had just stood straight up and grabbed his shorts right as a scrum was about to close in around him (no he wasn't referring to my balls!)

Anyway, it took a moment for everyone to figure out what had happened to me. I can still remember Chee's face.. he was laughing so hard that it infected everyone. There were very few stern faces when we finally managed to re-pack the scrum shortly after. :D

Copyright © 2003-2005 John Elliot