blog.jj5.net (2003 to 2005)
Mon Jan 3 13:34:00 UTC+1100 2005
If you were thinking of seeing Blade Trinity: don't.
Words really fail me. I feel disgusted. I feel depressed. I see the futility, but I'm still angry.
Don't worry. I know. You think I'm over-reacting. You probably believe in God and Santa Claus too. That's OK. I think you're a moron. But let's all just try to get along, OK? Because I really like having warm showers. Warm showers are awesome. Hmm.. I digress.
Let me sum it up for you: Blade Trinity is an advertisement.
On one level it's an ad for iPods. Don't worry, you won't miss it. Hey, why don't you get two? That would probably make you twice as cool. That way you can “listen to mp3's when you battle bad guys.” Great idea. You know, “sound track for life,” and stuff. That'd be mad.
On a more subtle level it's imbued with good old “American values.” Consider yourself trained; monkey.
The movie starts by suggesting that vampire movies are full of shit because in the end some English guy kills Dracula with holy-water and a stake. The movie goes on to reveal the 'truth': A tough black guy, a funny white guy, and a lithe-and-sexy-tough-yet-vulnerable-gee-I-would-have-been-an-elf-in-any-other-movie-and-now-I-have-an-ipod chick from the USA kill Dracula with a biological weapon. Naturally.
Let me see. In point form:
- Pure evil comes from Iraq.
- If you're 'fat', 'old', 'disabled' or otherwise 'not cool' you'll be killed off. We care though, your death is our excuse for malice. By the way, thanks for making all our mad weapons for us. Especially those bullets with the charge of high-powered UV light contained in a clear canister attached to the end of the slug. Simply amazing. And how about that hand-held over-sized cheese slicer that emits a beam of light with half the heat of the Sun? Developed in the same period as the iPod! I mean WOW. Can I like recharge it with my iPod charger? Or does it just take a pair of AAAs?
- Buy a Mac.
- Little girls don't need to fear 'pure evil' because they'll go to heaven when they're dead.
- Don't be tempted by promises of immortality from 'the devil'. (You're immortal when you're on God's team, remember? And 'the devil' is like, a liar, and a team-killer, and stuff. God is like, way cooler man.)
- Get an iPod. MP3's are cool.
- Biological weapons are the best way to destroy 'pure evil'.
- Biological weapons might kill you too, but that's OK, you're tough, just take one for the team, and hey, it probably won't happen. It's a movie, remember? Oh no, now I'm confused. Fuck it. Go team!
- Get an iPod. All the cool kids have one.
- Everyone thinks you're a maniac, but take heart, we know you're fighting for good. Blow shit up.
- Genocide (by (untested) biological weapons (that might kill you)) is the best solution (against 'pure evil'. (which comes from Iraq. (remember?))).
- If you're ever threatened by 'pure evil' don't forget to remind them that your friends are coming to kill them. Especially if you're a little girl. Death threats directed at 'pure evil' from little girls are just so righteous, aren't they? Wow. So brave. And so cute too!
- Vampire dogs? Sure.
- No-one likes goths anyway. They got what was coming to them. God-damn conformists.
- Consort with the enemy and die. We won't miss you. Murder is such a good solution.
- The war never ends.
- Hey, why don't you get an iPod AND a Mac? That's a great idea.
p.s. Do you suppose that plastic bags are a metaphor for cubicles? Nah. Too poetic.
p.p.s. I really let myself slide. I've seen three movies in the last two days. I can't believe that in exchange for financing the MPAA's legal department I had the pleasure of being reminded how cool iPods and Macs are. Wow. Thank you world. You FUCKERS.