(2003 to 2005)

Blade Trinity

Mon Jan 3 13:34:00 UTC+1100 2005


If you were thinking of seeing Blade Trinity: don't.

It's shit.

Words really fail me. I feel disgusted. I feel depressed. I see the futility, but I'm still angry.

Don't worry. I know. You think I'm over-reacting. You probably believe in God and Santa Claus too. That's OK. I think you're a moron. But let's all just try to get along, OK? Because I really like having warm showers. Warm showers are awesome. Hmm.. I digress.

Let me sum it up for you: Blade Trinity is an advertisement.

On one level it's an ad for iPods. Don't worry, you won't miss it. Hey, why don't you get two? That would probably make you twice as cool. That way you can “listen to mp3's when you battle bad guys.” Great idea. You know, “sound track for life,” and stuff. That'd be mad. 

On a more subtle level it's imbued with good old “American values.” Consider yourself trained; monkey.

The movie starts by suggesting that vampire movies are full of shit because in the end some English guy kills Dracula with holy-water and a stake. The movie goes on to reveal the 'truth': A tough black guy, a funny white guy, and a lithe-and-sexy-tough-yet-vulnerable-gee-I-would-have-been-an-elf-in-any-other-movie-and-now-I-have-an-ipod chick from the USA kill Dracula with a biological weapon. Naturally.

Let me see. In point form:


p.s. Do you suppose that plastic bags are a metaphor for cubicles? Nah. Too poetic.

p.p.s. I really let myself slide. I've seen three movies in the last two days. I can't believe that in exchange for financing the MPAA's legal department I had the pleasure of being reminded how cool iPods and Macs are. Wow. Thank you world. You FUCKERS.

Copyright © 2003-2005 John Elliot