(2003 to 2005) presents: The Summer 2004 Programmer Fashion catalogue! Now on a TCP socket near you!

Fri Oct 15 14:14:00 UTC+1100 2004


Are you programming Down Under, in Australia, this Summer? (ED: If you're not that's a real bummer.. coz programming's the number one game in town. Yo. Just ask anyone around. ;)

If you are, then you *need*'s totally awesome programmer fashion tips, to help you beat the heat, and keep you looking totally awesome this Summer! is proud to bring you this up-to-the-minute, exclusive look into the wardrobe of the BIT BUSTER himself, the BYTE BURNINATOR, the ALLITERATOR, the 1337, the ONE, the ONLY: jj5!

In this, the first part of our summer catalogue, we'll see what our most fashionable programmer was sporting at approximately 2004-10-15 12:41:26.370 GMT (ED: that's how real programmers identify a point in time by the way).

Exhibit one:

As you can see, jj5 is making a real statement here. It's not just the clothes, that's a part of it, but there's so much more to presenting the complete image that is the REAL ULTIMATE POWER of the 1337 Aussie programmer.

Firstly you will notice the shirt. A 6 or 7 year old, bright yellow t-shirt with the neck and sleeves roughly cut out with a pair of scissors. This delightful T was designed and assembled by underpaid workers from a sweat shop in some backward country The West is still capable of exploiting. This garment proudly distributed by a K-Mart franchise in the small mountain village of Katoomba -- the fashion Mecca of awesome programmers.

The t-shirt has all the features any programmer needs to keep him programming his best during these warm months. As mentioned previously, the garment has been professionally customised, in this case by an experienced programmer fashion consultant. Our consultant explains: "The first thing that any programmer will want to do upon receipt of any device is engage in customisation of the out-of-the-box solution, enabling effective systems integration and real synergy. In this case we're getting the absolute most out of programmer and fabric. A totally awesome demonstration of our important and authentic paradigm."

The garment has the clear practical advantage of minimal thermal retention. It truly facilitates the kind of perspiration that a programmer's skin will be expected to perform over this warm period, chiefly: sweating like a Jamshidi. (ED: this seems like a good moment to point out that an important part of the unhealthy life of a fashionable programmer will be increased cola consumption over the summer months aiding in suitable hydration, facilitating the maximised perspiration that will be essential over this period.) An added bonus of this design is the minimal impedance of body odor. If you want real programmer fashion, then you need the authentic programmer stench, and you want as little fabric as possible blocking your enjoyment of your bodily odors.

Another advantage of the wide neck is that the necklace, and more importantly the MANLY chest hair, are on clear display. This makes it all the easier for you to admire your true awesomeness as you pass the bathroom mirror on your frequent, cola induced, trips to the toilet. Bonus points if the necklace was a gift from your ex-girlfriend. Emphasis on EX. Any real programmer will have a demonstrably poor ability to maintain healthy long-term relationships with the opposite sex -- this is considered highly fashionable among programmers -- although never having had a (human) girlfriend is also perfectly acceptable. Despite your emotional attachment to them, female characters from animated series such as Futurama or Zim, Real Dolls, or any alien/inanimate objects do not count as girlfriends, so there is no need to include any of these as mark downs for fashion sense. In fact, in many programmer circles an alien or anime girlfriend are considered highly fashionable. If you think Angelina Jolie is your girlfriend, then welcome to the Programming Inner Circle my friend!

Hair and jewelry are clearly an important part of the programmer image. In this case you will notice the receding hair line. Clearly related to stress, poor nutrition, virility and awesomeness of all truly fashionable programmers. The "I didn't need to see my client this week" growth on the cheeks and neck, and of course, the pride of all programmers, their shabby goatee. BTW, jj5's hair was prepared several weeks ago by The Clippers Next To The Sink, who have our great thanks for their wonderful effort.

Central to our image above of course is the cigarette packet. This is shear genius. Firstly it disguises the face. All programmers will try to avoid pictures of their facial features making it on to the Internet when at all possible. This has been statistically proven useful, as it increases the chances of meeting a member of the opposite sex in a dimly lit, seedy bar and avoiding recognition of your programmerness. This is a useful tip to those programmers who want the facade of programming fashion but who are not prepared to commit to the true lifestyle (which requires torturous, involuntary abstinence, appropriately augmenting your emotional state and allowing you to be the noisy, unbalanced geek you were born to be!)

The true genius of the cigarette packet is not in its practicality as a device for facial concealment however. It also makes the clear statement: FUCK YOU, I'M A SMOKER. Real programmers will want to do that whenever possible. It underlies the entire ethos of the programmer: "I'm different, and I don't care what you think about it." Real programmers will take every opportunity they can to try and drive this point into the collective conscious, via The Internet, or in RL (if participation in RL can not otherwise be avoided). It might be true, it might not be true, but you think your smarter than everyone else and you want them to know it. Real programmers will resort to all means necessary to point out their social and intellectual incongruence, and their general contempt of the moronic norm. If you want to fit in with programmers, you need to make sure that you don't fit in anywhere else! RUHIHF.

Next up, Exhibit two:

The same wonderful image of a programmer, from a slightly different angle, showing off the CRT filled background. Truly wonderful stuff this. You will notice in this image the lit cigarette. Really, there's nothing that says FUCK YOU, *I* THINK I'M COOL! better. It also demonstrates the willingness of programmers to get involved in extremes. Extremely long hours, extreme caffeine consumptions, extreme addictions.. all lead to extremely awesome programmer fashion.

That concludes the first part of the Programmer Fashion expose for Summer 2004. Stay tuned for more totally awesome programmer fashion, coming right up!

Copyright © 2003-2005 John Elliot